For the past month I’ve been obsessing. I have been going over little detail of my grand Australian roadtrip. I had bought a car with the help of a good friend and started to accumulate all the necessary gear for travel into the outback. I have been camping in extreme situation, so I knew I needed to prepare. And I did. I constantly searched and analyzed road and weather conditions, I sought advice from other s that have done this type of trip and I thought about it non-stop. Then I started having nightmares about dying in the desert. Red sand all around me, my car a skeleton of what it was and I was staring into the sun with parched lips and vacant eyes. Ironically, I love desert conditions. I have lived in the desert (Arizona) I have been camping and hiking in the desert, I go to a festival every year that involves serious planning because it takes place in a desert.
The trip originally was supposed to be in January, then I put it off until weather conditions were better, then a friend came over to visit and I put my trip off again. Suddenly I have no time left. My grand 4 month trip has only 1 month left. And I was obsessing constantly over the details. I was so stressed out, I couldn’t sleep and when I did, I had nightmares. I had a bad feeling about it every since I bought that car. After annoying everyone I know with my constant neurosis over the trip, I decided to sell the car. After I listed it for sale, no one called. So I decided I would have to take the car on the trip. Then I started getting calls. A couple of days after I decided not to sell it, it was sold.
I felt a huge relief, followed by regret. Why did I really sell the car? I could extend my visa and have more time for the trip. Was I hiding behind my gut feeling that something wasn’t right? Or was I scared of trusting myself?
I booked my flight to Perth and decide I would find a ride to Darwin, a 4000 km distance. It’s possible, many travelers are heading that way. I just have to find one that I can get along with and contribute toward fuel and driving. So now I’m virtually hitchhiking. Do I trust strangers more than I trust myself to do this trip?
I was walking home from work yesterday and I realized this car situation was a representation of how I have handled my life since college. I postponed traveling for others, I have repeatedly said I want to do something, but when it came down to it, I didn’t always make the leap. There are a lot of options I would like to explore, but I start to overanalyze and find fault with my plans. I may hide behind logic, but I think its fear. Fear of failure, fear of regret.
