Quiet Girl

I  used to be that girl. The one that was spoke so quietly that her voice faded into background noise. The girl that hid behind her hair and stared at her shoes. The girl that was dismissed easily because she didn’t command attention. Growing up I had a hard time relating to people. Even ordering food at a fast food restaurant was difficult. The anxiety that would creep in of saying the wrong thing or even being so unsure of what I wanted that the pressure to tell the cashier my order was overwhelming. It sort of got better over time. Not a huge amount, but I at least I had a few routines I followed  to minimize my anxiety. I ordered the same thing at every restaurant, I left the room when I had nothing to say. Still,  when people in positions of power spoke to me, I had often reverted back to the quiet girl with her head down. I don’t know why, I was not really shy. When I was comfortable, I talked about everything and anything. I was open. I was a even bit of a daredevil.

Fast  forward to my adult life. I was not happy. I had been in a 9 year relationship that drained any bits of self confidence. In a job where there was no creative outlet. I tried to look for another job, but I always shot myself down before I even applied. I know I’m smart, resourceful and a hard worker but what does that matter if I can’t have confidence in myself? Who would have faith in me?

So I left it all behind when I got on that plane to the Southern Hemisphere. I became someone that no one knew. And I did things I didn’t know I was capable of doing. I went up to random people and introduced myself. I adjusted to living with people I had just met. I'm scared of heights, but I made myself go skydiving. I snorkeled even though my fear of drowning kept me inhaling water. I just kept doing it. And I would love to say it is easy now and my problems are solved. But its not. Its something I have to do over and over again. Discomfort is a good teacher. That first hello to someone new, I bite my tongue. But that second hello to the next person comes with a genuine smile.